Things my partner craves just turns me off completely.... What do I do?
Dear Anonymous, firstly thank you for trusting me with this, I know this stuff is not always easy to talk about.
There are “some scenarios” where maybe your partner has something in mind which is just a no go for you, and that is okay… By having these conversations early on (enough) and exploring within your self where are you own lines and boundaries you can decide together whether this is going to head in the direction you both want it to go and both feel comfortable with…
There are hopefully always going to be some things you enjoy together, there are likely to be a few small fantasises here or there that each of you have that you would love to experience & share with your partner… If you aren’t already… and sometimes there will be those lines we don’t, won’t, or can’t cross within ourselves..
There are many tools out there to help you navigate this phase, one example is @Alexa Martinez has a brilliant reference called the Will, Want, Won’t list…. You can download this for free and work through it for yourself for free, just for yourself, or even with a partner. This goes through TONS of scenarios to help you draw those lines, what do I want, would I do, what is just a line cross for me….
Personally I feel there’s those few things you may not crave or enjoy but if loved, cared for, appreciated and protected in those moments you can “take one for the team” and surrender for your partners pleasure, but there are also no go zones, and lines each of us may not want to cross and that is okay too, it’s also a space for us to feel protected, cared for and loved once again…
If you or your partner weren’t up front in some of these areas to begin with and this is one of those scenarios where something you or they are truely craving and can’t within themselves feel fulfilled without and this crosses that line for the other partner, then that is a little bit trickier..
My advice would be to create a safe, calm, loving space between you where you can each express your desires for yourselves and each other, coming into the space loving, supportive, and open to what could come up.
This may not be an easy conversation, but it’s not a competition… About who gets what, or who bows down… For some people this may be a conversation that brings you together, for some it may be one that makes you realise its just never going to work….. For some you may realise that, that part you are chasing inside doesn’t matter as much as what’s already in front of you…. For others maybe it becomes and conversation around other ways to fulfil this need or desire if not with a partner… How can we support each other in this, how can we make this work?
I suggest to be open minded, and pause to process, then respond with compassion and care rather than reactions, and don’t have this conversation “in the moment”, have it while there’s no pressure to “perform, act or do”. I implore you to listen to your body, listen to yourself…. There are those things that we just feel uncomfortable about but maybe we are okay about trying, and experiencing IF in the right light and scenarios… With the right support. But there also some of those things which will always and forever be off the table… Just as we have our rights to desire, we also have our rights to draw our lines, to know what they are and to live by them. There is a difference between choosing to teeter on a line, and deciding where that is and crossing into territory we are not okay with.. There is a difference between pushing our own boundaries and experiencing, uncomfortable and crossing a line which is intolerable and not okay with us.
My advice is to come together with awareness of yourselves, what you do and don’t want, your lines, but with love, care, and compassion for one another, coming together with the ultimate goal to become fulfilled and empowered one way or another.