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The girl I have been seeing has walls up after being hurt in the past....

Dear Anonymous -

Thank you for sharing!


Old pains and experiences can continue to pop up years and years later…


For some people we never truly get passed them, but it’s also safe to say that some people just never have the right support either…


From cheating, abandonment, and everything in between, the pains of our past always retain a place in our hearts even when we tend to try to bury them or forget.. Even once the pain softens over time.


Little things can pop up that remind us of the past of that experiences, it could be a sound, a smell, an experience, even recently I found my self in tears over the way I touched my own arm because it bought back a memory that lead to a ball of emotions…. The point is that even healed, even “well adjusted” shit comes up!


Things trigger us and that’s just life not just in relationships.


As humans were instilled with our fight or flight response, which of course includes a freeze… It’s actually instilled into us NOT to keep doing the things that hurt us..


Relationships hurt us, okay so don’t to relationships the brain says…

Men hurt me, okay so don’t do men says the brain.

That bitch is crazy! Women are crazy, be cautious the brain says.

Fire is hot, don’t touch the fire the brain says…


For the most part that response protects us, that’s what it is there for however there are scenarios that your brain and wiring cant comprehend between the general, don’t do THAT thing, and don’t do anything that even remotely could be like that thing or anything that reminds me of any of it


You mentioned though that the girl you’re seeing has some walls up after being hurt in the past, this happens to all of us!! You probably have a few of your own they are probably just not getting in your way


But more specifically to your question, the girl you’re seeing has some walls up after being hurt in the past… All your can really do is acknowledge that, understand that the best you can, be compassionate, with genuine care and consideration for where she is at.


Yes you want things to move forward and that is great, maybe they will maybe they won’t…. But either way all you can really do is show care and compassion, show understanding and meet her where she is at. This is the only thing that will build enough trust inside herself over time that she feels safe in bringing the walls down with you.


Try to understand - what is it that happened in her past? What created these walls? Show care, compassion and understanding for what did happen. & Ultimately this is about TRUST. Show up for her, hold space for her, geniunely care and show compassion and understanding… Show her that YOU she can TRUST.


You are not her past, you are not the pain, & of course you have no intention in creating any for her.


She is scared, that’s why there are walls. She needs to feel safe, she needs to feel “loved” (cared for), she needs to feel held, supported, she needs to feel like this is OKAY, like not wanting this is OKAY, she needs to feel like she has her own power to choose, like she has some control in her own life, she needs to TRUST…


You can’t smash this wall down, rushing it will only bring it all back up again in deeper ways later.


By showing up for her, supporting her, being patient and understanding the walls will just break down over time….


She needs to trust that what ever happened, isn’t going to happen again. It’s not going to happen with you…. She is safe, she is cared for, she is supported, she is worthy, and she IS AMAZING!


The biggest question for you is, is she worth it?


For yourself you need to listen to yourself too and your own boundaries how much is just too much for you? How many no’s? How many laters? Is she worth the wait?


You care about this girl, that is clear! Other wise you certainly wouldn’t have asked this question here…


Hope this helps in someway


xx Jenaya


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