I have been single for a while now, but starting to think more about my FWB, what do I do?
Dear Anoymous, firstly thank you for coming to me and trusting me with your problem.
I guess you have a few things to think about….
Firstly, you mentioned you weren’t looking to get into a relationship… Do you feel like this is something that has changed recently?
Did you NOT want to get into a relationship, and now maybe you’re feeling a little more ready and open to it? OR is it just your feelings for your FWB that’s sparked this.
It is entirely possible that you just were not ready before, and now you are actually coming around to it. Or perhaps there was something a pain, a hurt, a fear blocking you from being open previously that is internally feeling a little more healed now.
Or potentially you now just feel SAFE with this person which is starting to bring the barriers down.
So your first things to work out are - are you now ready? Is a relationship with love, connection, heart break and allllll the strings what you are now craving at this point in your life? Do you have real feelings for your FWB or are you just getting caught up in the hormones and emotions or lust and affection?
If you decide you aren’t ready for a relationship then GREAT, maybe you just need to realise what things it is about your FWB you’re coming back to… Is it THEM, or something they do that you like, the way they treat you?
If you decide
you are now ready for a relationship then GREAT! The next part to work out is; is that something you want with your FWB or just generally?
We all have our boundaries and our own expectations; having feelings for your FWB challenged that, both for them and for you!
If they are real feelings and you feel that’s headed somewhere then you need to bring that up, before they get “too” much, and before you cross any of your initial boundairies and agreements with this person.
I will say that it is 100% normal and natural to question yourself in this, as humans when we feel love, affection even If its no romantic from time to time this stuff does pop up. You can feel love as friends with your FWB, you can feel that lust for the moments and the connection, you can feel that appreciation for the way they know you, the way they touch you and the way they’re there, and that can be all it is. If it feels good, you’re going to think about it, right! You don’t need to make it more than it is, if it isn’t... & you don’t need to punish yourself by telling yourself that this isn’t normal… It is!
OR those feelings could be a sign for you that you are ready for something more, albeit with this person or someone entirely new.
My suggestion to you is to sit with this, to ask yourself these questions, deep down you already have and know all the answers, it’s just often hard to stop all the outside noise and even inside thoughts to let you hear about it. My recommendation is find a quiet, comfortable space, have a cup of tea, cuddle up, sit on your favourite chair, or in your bed, learn back, close your eyes and breathe. Take some nice, long, deep breathes, in….. and out… Do this 3-5 times until you can feel that sense of calm and simply say to yourself…..
What do I want?
LISTEN to the answer, you will say it to yourself in a heart beat, the trick is to hear that, pause and ask more questions. NOT to argue with yourself about the response you get which is what we tend to do.
Dive a little deeper, hear your answer and ask yourself the next question.
Do I want a relationship? Do I have feelings for….. Do I want a relationship with…. Why…… Why……. When…… How….
Take some deep breathes and give yourself the time to process in calm, before leaving the moment with some more clarity