Dear Anonymous, that is an excellent question, and I thank you for reaching out to me for some advice on this one.
Sometimes when big things happen in our past, we are lied to, cheated on, hurt… It can affect us for a long time, and in some ways even for ever.
It’s natural to be careful, it’s natural to be cautious and curious and it’s natural to want to protect yourself at all costs.
As humans we are inflicted with our fight or flight reflex, which is in place to protect us, sometimes we run and hide, sometimes we freeze and sometimes we drive forward much faster than we need to without often thinking ahead….
I feel like on this we really need to be super careful of as continuously growing, maturing adults, who ARE always learning, is not to put our previous experiences and even traumas onto other people, sometimes this is harder than it sounds.
If we have been hurt we try not to put ourselves in situations where we could be hurt again, and when we are upagainst those little flags or signs we regonise from our past it is very easy to be triggered by them and to an extent this is healthy, you don’t want to get hurt again & you don’t want to keep repeating the same patterns of getting hurt by the same times of people but at the same time everyone in different, and we need to learn from our past.
If you are hurting from past experiences, then 1. You need to be aware, be aware of that, aware of the signs, aware of those patterns that created it in the first place. But 2. You need to remember that, this was in the past, this was past experiences with other people and that is NOT a situation your current partner created, or a situation theyy deserve to bare.
If your new partner is loving, caring, considerate, trusting, amazing, & loves you!! Then when you feel that jolt, that angst, that questioning coming into your mind remember - My partner is all of these things, that was NOT my partner, my partner loves me, trusts me, and cherishes me as I do them. Put your faith in yourself that you have learnt your own lessons and put your faith in your partner that they are who they are, they are that new person that you fell in love with without the past trauma and experience, they can support you through it, show some compassion and understanding, but they did not do these things…